A poem/prosaic piece that I'm working on, any thoughts on this bit right here? Any criticisms?

Significantly engaging. I wanted to keep reading more. The only note I have (and I don't know if you left this out on purpose) is that there are a few commas, semi-colons and perhaps a colon or two that are dying to get into those two paragraphs. Charles inson was famous for his paragraph-sentences, but the appropriate punctuation was always a nice helper to the reader. That's my only suggestion, otherwise it was marvelous!